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I was revisiting a bible study this morning and the question “When was the last time you experienced an overwhelming amount of gratitude?” was in the margins. I looked back on my notes and saw my previous answer, and initially decided to skip over the question. As I continued reading the rest of the paragraph, I felt called back to that question. My original response felt more like something I used to fill the blank space than an honest answer. I kept trying to look past it but couldn’t and knew it was something I was supposed to revisit. While writing in my journal I felt God tell my spirit that this is something He wants me to share with you. So here it is, my depiction of how it felt being stuck in a hard place and how our gracious God moves for me during these times.

When was the last time you’ve experienced an overwhelming amount of gratitude?

I haven’t been myself for quite some time. I feel like I’ve been in this cloudy place where the sun never shines but just barely lights the sky. Slightly telling the difference between night and day. It’s foggy and I can’t see the road in front of me, but I continue to blindly follow the path. The air around me isn’t cold but it is brisk and the mist in the air hits me as I walk. Watering my face to mimic the tears I don’t cry. I step in and out of this place, never knowing how or when I’ll be back.

There are very few people walking this same road but when we pass, I glance over say my “hellos” and “how are you?” to convince them that I am okay.

When I’m with the people I love I feel trapped in this place. I distance myself from my thoughts and in turn distance myself from them. In my mind I am still walking this long road, but I look down and I can see them. I can see myself. I see my husband, my children, my body, and wonder why I feel so disconnected. I wonder why the distance seems ungraspable.

I act as if He is far away from this place I’m in. I act like He isn’t the one who has been guiding my life. Like I’ve been walking through this season alone. I act like the people I’ve met on this journey weren’t strategically placed by Him to help me see that He is ordering my steps. I act like He hasn’t placed me closer than ever to the call He has put over my life.

I look up begging to come back to the present moment. I reach out my hand toward the sky pleading for God to help me. I don’t want to be stuck here anymore… but I draw it back and tuck it into my pocket. It seems too heavy to take His hand. It seems too hard to ask for His help.

So, I stay.

Even in that brisk, foggy, place I feel God reach His hand down further past the sky. I feel His presence, mimicking His hand on my shoulder trying to guide me on this journey. I feel Him asking me to lift my eyes from the fog and notice the sun shining through the edges of the clouds. I feel Him whisper to my spirit to trust Him. To trust that He will carry me down this road and that the sun will shine again. I feel His grace as He waits for me, reminding me that He is ready whenever I am. In every moment I feel His gentle nudge reminding me He is still with me, even though I sometimes choose to ignore it.

As I continued walking down this road, I started noticing the sun peeking out a little bit more. I notice the leaves on the trees and the drops of dew on each blade of grass. I see a family of deer dancing in the woods and hear the birds singing a song of praise. I look around and see more people on the path, all so different but walking the same walk of life. I ask how they are doing, and I mean it. I want to hear about their days, the happy, the sad, the scared, and the loneliness. I look to my left and see God’s right hand holding mine as I we walk this road together, reminding me what it feels like to trust Him.

I come back to reality and hear the laughs of my children. I see them playing together and loving each other. They notice me watching them and they both come toward me with such excitement and happiness that their mommy sees the fun that they are having. I join in with smiles and laughter at all the silliness. I look to my husband and feel such thankfulness for the life God granted me. I feel such thankfulness for the life I spent years praying for. The life that is sitting right in front of my eyes. I’m thankful for the old friends God has placed in my life that’s truly been a blessing in every season I’ve ever walked. I am thankful for the new ones that have made such a big impact to the person I am today, to the Christian I am today. I am thankful for my mentors that have always guided me with love, scripture, and prayers over me and my family. I feel thankfulness as I look back and finally decide to recognize how big our God is and how He never left me. Even in times I’ve truly convinced myself that He did.

There are some days where I find myself back on that road, wandering and wondering how I got back there. But today I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude for God constantly reminding me that He is with me, my family, and guiding my life. He has never left me, nor will He ever leave me. He gives me grace every day to come back to Him and never holds my distance against me. Instead, He uses it in those times on the foggy road, recalling all the stories of how I’ve found myself in this place, and how His faithful love always provided everything I needed to set me free.

Today, I feel an overwhelming gratitude for the God who never leaves.