Through The Looking Glass

It was 0522 in the morning when I stared at pictures from the past. I saw this perfect girl starring back at me… healthiest she’d ever been. Full of life, laughter, and friends surrounding her. Taking on adventure after adventure. Doing everything to capture a seemingly perfect moment. She was beautiful, and her life consumed with happiness. She was composed and ready for whatever it was the world had in store for her that day.

For a split second I envied her. I was jealous of how relaxed she was. I was jealous of the flawlessness in her appearance. I was jealous of the good times she was having. I was jealous of how that girl lived for herself. No responsibilities. No one to answer to. No routines or schedules. Just fiercely independent and on her own terms. My heart started to wander. I wondered what my life could’ve been if she still lived today. I wondered what she might have accomplished, the things she would’ve done. I wondered how many more stories she’d be able to tell. How fulfilling her life would’ve been. I was regretful...missing the life I had in those pictures. For a split second I longed for that free spirit. I longed for the rush I once felt… for that next feeling. I longed for that next high. The kind of high you get when you are her. When you’re living to let the world decide what happens next. For a split second I missed her… Then in that same second, I felt God whisper, “Was she perfect? Was she everything you think she was?”

Reality came flooding in as I looked past the girl in the pictures and into her heart. I saw a girl staring back at me that I no longer recognized. That I no longer envied. I saw a girl whose heart was so shattered. A girl who masked a smile in front of a lens. Who masked a smile just to make it through every day. I saw a girl who went home alone and cried herself to sleep every, single, night. I saw a girl filled with so much anxiety and depression. A girl who was so lost. Wandering. Chasing the next feeling, chasing the next moment to try and fill this hole she had in her heart. I saw a girl who was searching. Searching for an answer through the world. Searching for perfection. I saw a girl who lived her life to seem impressive. Begging to be seen and begging to be loved. She hid her insecurities behind her makeup, body, and words. She tried desperately to look the role of wholeness to convince herself that she was. She made so many mistakes and had so many regrets that lay with her when it was time to rest. She was never at peace. Instead, she was surrounded by a cloud. A cloud that whispered all her imperfections. A cloud that reminded her of every mistake she ever made. A cloud that told her she would never be joyful. A cloud that screamed she would never be enough. A cloud that insistently whispered she’d be better off dead.

The things I initially felt looking at those pictures… that’s what the enemy wants. He wants you to forget how God saved you. He wants you to think you never needed saving. He wants you to remember the excitement, the rush, the adventures and completely discredit the sleepless nights, the days you are forced to be alone with your thoughts, the moments mid laugh when you remember just how broken you truly are. But you forcefully keep laughing anyway.

Then one day with nothing else to lose, El Roi (The God Who Sees) stepped in. He met her where she was. He called her loved. He called her whole. He called her free. And He called her His.