The Lies I believe: I am not enough

In these series of blog posts, I’m going to be writing about the lies I believe. This started as something God called me to that I was doing in my own personal journal. While writing I felt God’s gentle nudge saying this is something He wants me to share with anyone following along my journey. When I started this, I loosely followed an outline of listing the lie I believe, if there was person/thing/circumstance that I believe originated it, then moving on to what scripture says about the lie or what I believe God was speaking to me in that moment. To try and keep the posts/journal entries/letters to God as honest as possible, they will be mostly unedited and informal. So, sorry for any grammar mistakes or repetitions in advance 😊

I am not enough.

God,

I feel like I will never measure up. I feel like I don’t have what it takes to follow this path of life you’ve laid in front of me. I look around and notice all the things I lack. I look inside and feel all the areas I lack. I see all the goals I haven’t reached, and I crumble. I notice when I lose my temper and feel like less of your child. I feel when I make a mistake and replay it over and over in my head. Telling myself that I should’ve been better. I should’ve been a better example for you.

I see all these expectations set before me, get discouraged, and walk away… because its better to make the decision myself to walk away than to come face to face with the same haunting thought that the devil whispers in my ears “you are not enough, you’re a failure”.

I freeze in fear because it’s not something I want to face again. It’s not something that I want to admit to myself because it reminds me of all the times life tried to prove it true. The memories come flowing back of times I was treated this way, times I was told this, and all the times I cried it to myself in the mirror.

I wake up most days with this emptiness inside wondering what I can do to prove myself to be enough. Wondering what I can do to make myself feel worthy. I list the boxes to check that I think will get me there and try to check them off one by one… still coming up short.

I go through periods of striving and striving until I feel like I have nothing left to pour into the world. Until I feel like I have nothing left to pour into you. Then I use the art of distraction to make it through. I distract myself with movies, tv, social media, friends, and family so that I don’t have to face the words I’ve embedded into my heart. Through the distraction I shame myself because I know this isn’t what you’d want of me. This isn’t what you’ve called me to or who you’ve called me to be. I convince myself that I am less of a Christian and that I am far from you because I am too afraid to face this lie in my life.

I thought this was something I overcame when I came back to you. I thought that I was set free from self-made expectations. I thought I was set free from worldly expectations. I found peace. And not just any peace, but I found your peace. I heard you say who I am. I heard you say who I belong to. I felt the warmth of your love fill me and call me to a place of knowing your truth in my spirit. I didn’t want to struggle with this again. I didn’t want to go through this phase of life again, I didn’t want to feel such an uncertainty in my identity. I didn’t want to feel the need to strive for something that seems so unattainable. To strive for fleeting happiness.

You are not enough but you were never meant to be enough. I am enough and where you lack, I WILL provide. Where you fall short, I will fill the gap. Where you don’t see a way, I will make a way. It is not for you to understand, strive, or figure out. It is for you to have faith in me that I will keep my promises and that I am leading you to the person I created you to be.

By the world’s standards you will never be enough. By your own standards you will never be enough. You are striving for happiness, but happiness is an emotion that is circumstantial. You are striving for peace but you’re spending time in the wrong places. You are searching for answers but stray away from time with me because of fear. I have the answers you need. I have everything you are searching for. Come back home.

But I am scared. What if I let you down? What if I make a mistake and wander so far off the path you have set for me? I don’t want to let you down. I’ve felt what its like to be a disappointment. I’ve felt what it’s like to let down the people you love. I’ve felt the ache when people who depend on me lose trust in who I am. I don’t want to feel that from you to.

I do not depend on you. Your future does not depend on you. You have to let go and learn how to depend on me. Your grip on this life is so tight that you won’t give me the chance to show you how beautiful it could be. You are the only one bounding yourself in chains.

Set yourself free and come home to Me.

How?

Surrender.